Board Thread:News and Announcements/@comment-26810678-20191218214633/@comment-26810678-20191218220423

I know this seems really stupid but I've completely changed as a human being this year almost overnight and the fact I have to see random reminders of how child-like I was and how I could never accept the fact I was getting older is honestly in such a bad way I can't even describe it. I can't even think straight. Almost every single night I'm dreaming like I somehow broke down and went back to that...state of a human being and its the most horrifying thing to me.

The fact I couldn't even watch a show normally, the fact I screamed like a 6 year old who just lost a game of Angry Birds on the forums, the fact I tried manipulating all of my friends without even realizing it by waiting for the second they did something I thought was wrong, so I could change the rules and ban them for it, the fact I couldn't handle a single form of critisicm, the fact I turned everything into stupid "viruses" completely ruining the topics people were talking about, the fact how I acted so nice one second and the next would go into a complete manipulative defense mode, the fact that I tried being a "reporter" but literally just collected png files off of google and called them "files", the childish personality I had, the fact I never have an interest because I called them "cringy", the fact I just acted like I was the 1% of the population with my IQ, the fact that I made the most idiotic "stories" just basically being "What could possibly go wrong? Explosion" copied and pasted a thousand times over, everything about my past self, is something that keeps breaking me down the second I get into it.

I'll come here and know I'm a bureaucrat of a wiki, and then I have to remember all the times I almost killed it. All the times I could have picked a better choice. All the times I just acted like I was above you all. All the times I would ruin the chats you guys had going. All the times when you were annoyed by it I tried "exposing" you by posting pictures of it on the forum saying "WE GOTTA BAN THEM GUYS,,,". Its something I never want to feel again.

I don't ever want to be reminded of the past things I did ever again. I can't take it. It hurts. Every second of it hurts. I want to live my life as who I am now. I don't wanna remember how unaware I was about my problems, I want to at least pretend none of that happened and have my entire future in front of me, that I get to control. I don't want to keep looking back at my past and seeing how bad it truly got. Because the more I look back the more and more it hurts.

I've said this so many times but I must say it one last time, I am so sorry for everything I did here. I am sorry for the lies I made, I am sorry for the spamming I made, I am sorry for the constant drama I spewed at an unhumane rate, I am sorry for all the stress I put upon you, because I thought of it as "revenge", I am sorry for trying to divide this place, I am sorry for banning everyone for simply making a joke about me, I am sorry for claiming this place was "ruins", because I never realized the reason it was in "ruins" was because of me. I set it on fire. I let it burn and I just passed the blame onto whoever was closest to me.

Just please don't ever show me anything I did before 2019.